Twilight Musing

2011-06-29T18:17:00.000+05:30

In the fresh of dawn
When the sky is gray
And earth is dewy
When the world is waking up to life
I seek the oblivion of death
But it evades me just like happiness
I close my eyes to shut out beauty
The sweet melody of song playing on the radio
And let my head sink back
Wishing I never had to wake up again
To see the ties that binds me to the life…endless misery
Love is such a tiresome thing
It gives little and takes away everything
Enslaves as it liberates…

The Chasm

2011-06-10T16:14:00.002+05:30

The more I yearn for you
The farther you descend away
Or ascend in stature
...by each pain-wrenched expired breath
Are you god or the devil-
Tempting and unyielding !!!

By Taseer Gujral

Same as One Yet To Each His Own

2010-04-14T00:16:00.003+05:30

No matter what country, religion, culture or region you belong, you must have heard over and over again that God created man in his likeness. Have you ever wondered that if we were created in his likeness, then how come we all look different from each other? Scientists have gone on to prove that no two human beings are exactly alike…not even identical twins. We look different, feel differently, think differently and react differently to any given situation. From the same experience two different people learn different lessons. We are same ….and yet so very different.

A few months ago our friends joined a self help group by the name of Landmark. They were very enthusiastic about the course they were doing and keen that we should also join that. We declined politely and tried to explain that we did not consider it necessary. But they would have none of it and insisted that we should at least attend one meeting before we make up our minds. To humour them, my husband and I accompanied them on two different meetings. At the end of it we were even surer than ever that we did not need it.

What surprised me was that young and educated people came on the stage to give testimonies how Landmark had changed their lives. How it found solutions to all their problems and how they now discuss their all problems with their leaders and find all solutions following the principles of Landmark. Everybody was so busy talking about the techniques they learn there and principles of living that for a moment I was tricked into believing that we were talking about some machines and not people. Nobody talked about listening to the inner self, instinct, conscious, creativity? How come principles laid by one human being fit into lives of so many people with varied situations? Was it some kind of joke? Matrix of Collective Unconsciousness?

Created in the likeness of God, we carry a soul that is our connection with the soul of the universe. All we need to do is to turn inwards to tap into that connection to learn all we need at that moment. But we all must grapple with life and ourselves on our own…you as you and me as me. I cannot tell you what to do and you cannot tell me what the right course of action is. We must find all our answers ourselves. Experiencing sorrows are as important as the experiencing joys. They are the seasons of soul…sides of the same coin…one does not exist without the other. Myriad joys can be experienced only at the cost of pain…ecstasy can never be experienced in isolation.

God men and gurus flourish because we refuse to take control of our own lives. We let them do our thinking…dictate us how we should live and sometime die too. Is looking inwards so sorrowful that we avoid it at all costs? Is it because we are afraid of making mistakes? Finding out that we alone are responsible if anything goes wrong? So we need somebody to tell us what to think and what to do so that if anything goes wrong we can easily pass the buck.

I am trying to find out…to know for myself… I would be delighted to have answers to the questions I have put here. Please share your views.

Make Friendships Last a Lifetime

2010-01-08T17:46:00.002+05:30

Recently I broke up with a friend whom I had grown quite close to. We had been having long arguments and both of us would take offense at the least provocation. Our time together, instead of being a merry one was turning into nightmarish, with both of us unsure when the other would turn moody.

As I wrote the goodbye mail to put an end to this friendship, I was more sad than angry. Though that troubled friendship is history now, a part of me has been busy in analyzing why friendships go sour. Why people who are so close to our hearts hurt us the most? There are a few things that I have learnt during the course of my life, mostly by trial and error that I would like to share them with you all.

The thing that is most likely to hurt friendship or for that matter any relationship, is our expectation from the other person and from the relationship itself. Just because we feel about the other person in a certain way, we tend to expect that he should also feel the same way about us and just because we are ready to go that extra mile we expect him to do the same. So it’s always good to remember that different people feel and react differently to the same situation.

It is imperative to recognize the importance of the personal space that all of us need. People are likely to infringe upon that territory quite unwittingly when they start growing closer. They ask personal questions, give unsolicited advice, burden the other person with their problems and sorrows and worst of all, demand a lot of their time and their undivided attention. We need to respect the privacy and private space of our friends if we want them to respect ours, so as to have a lasting and rewarding friendship.

Amount of faith and honesty between the two people is a good measure to gauge how long that relationship is going to last. Be honest with people you want to keep in your life and don’t break the trust they place in you. Sounds simple enough but, trust me there is nothing simple about it. So many times being dishonest seems to be an easier option as it would avoid the friction but then in the long run all these small deceptions pile up into a major disaster. If we have to lie constantly to keep our friendship going then there is no point in continuing, for its going to break anyway, sooner or later.

Friendships are meant to bring us joy and happiness besides making this bumpy ride called life smoother. But if not handled carefully, any relationship is capable of wrecking our peace of mind and making us miserable, some time for life. Instead of blaming anyone else for the ensuing unhappiness, it’s any day better to take charge of our life and steer it away from troubled waters.

Let's Pretend We Are Together

2009-12-16T15:13:00.001+05:30

Standing in front of mirror...I look at you
Silent...We stare at each other

I put my hand across
To remove the speck of shadow
From your eye...
Caress your warm moist skin...

You throw up your hands
Too far away we are ....You say
And turn to walk away
Away from my pleading eyes

Please...Can't we pretend just this once
that we are together...

One day at a time

2009-06-05T13:58:00.001+05:30

One day when too many people in my office came up to me to tell how angry they were feeling, it set me thinking about growing frustrations and dissatisfactions in our everyday lives. Most of those who were complaining were young, talented, intelligent people with much to look forward to. I tried to remember if I used to be as impatient and short tempered when I started off as a young professional, and could not recall it (Forgetfulness has its own advantages)

While talking over this matter with my hubby over a cup of tea in the evening, I realized that there was not much that we both could understand about it. I guess, it has a lot to do with age, coz as you grow older you realize that there is no way one can speed things up. Neither is there any way one can change another individual, be it a perverse boss or an irritating colleague, unreasonable spouse or demanding child. One tends to learn with age that there has been no invention so far that could stop family emergencies from cropping up at the most inconvenient moments, no pill to keep bad hair days at bay and finally no magical diet to make you svelte while boosting your energy and taking your creativity to new heights.

But then, a lot of it has to do with our attitude, our expectations from others and ourselves and our ability to handle failure, disappointments and heartbreaks. I would go on to suggest that the extent of our belief in an unfair God or destiny can be a measure of our dissatisfaction.

So, as I struggle to lead a fruitful life while evolving into a better and positive person, I try to count my blessings every morning. Sure enough, most days I feel pretty fortunate and grateful for all I have. I must admit that there are still long spells of depression when I wake up in despair and wash my face every time I go to bathroom because I don’t want anyone else to know that I have been crying.

While still trying to figure out the way to eternal bliss, I must say that taking one day at a time goes a long way in keeping anxieties at bay. Believing in a benign fatherly god, and trusting that there is a reason behind everything that happens, does help in maintaining right perspective.

Dreams

2009-05-29T19:26:00.002+05:30

I pull your dreams out of my hair
As I wake up each morning

When I hug my knees
I find them still clinging to my fingers

With no more tears to wash my hands
I suck my fingers

Tasting them before I swallow
Making them mine forever

Who did these dreams belong to
You or me?

Learn to Love

2009-02-22T23:06:00.002+05:30

The Valentine month is not over yet even though the red roses you gave and received must have wilted and since then thrown away. The place where I work is full of young people who showed considerable enthusiasm for the festival of love and since then there has been a debate going on about what love truly means. Here are some things that I would like to add to what all has been already said.

Among other things, love involves opening up our hearts, minds and souls to let others see who we really are with all our vulnerability and strength, trusting that we are actually lovable. Contrary to popular belief, love is not placid and passive devoid of all energy. Rather it is passionate and active as each small step we take to replace lies with truth, criticism with praise and fear with love is a big leap towards a new way of life. Loving means trusting that God’s support is present in your life.

Before it’s possible to love anyone, you have to risk and start to know yourself and confront the way you carry love into this world. Loving another being is not about him/her it’s about you. So, learning to love entails facing your true self and accepting the responsibility to become the person you want to be. As your inner dialogue goes on perpetually, God is always a part of it whether you choose to listen or not.

Ability to give unconditional love and accept it joyfully comes when you get ready to listen to loving messages from yourself and others. Let me wind up with a quote from my favourite poet, Khalil Gibran—

Love one another but make not a bond of love

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your soul.

Where do you end and I begin...

2009-02-10T18:53:00.002+05:30

Lying on my back I often wonder

Where does one cloud ends and another begins?

Where does a river ends and sea begins?

Where does spring ends and summer begins?

and finally where do you end and I begin?

My Echo, My Shadow and Me

2009-01-07T08:33:00.002+05:30

Where does the longing lie?
My echo resonates what is rooted in my heart
Whispering in my ears what I don’t want to hear
Putting its tongue right inside my ear
Can I run away from my shadow?
It pushes me towards myself
Forcing me to hug and love myself
Flooding me with forbidden desires
In the perpetual struggle
We three live together
My Echo, My Shadow and Me

Phoenix

2008-12-21T22:16:00.006+05:30

I was looking for a recipe for brownies when I came across these lines that I had written some 10 years ago. As I read them, I laughed and then I cried; laughed because I was reminded what it is like to be 25 again and cried because I could feel the pain and confusion all over again that I would have felt when I wrote these lines.

Segmented lives
story line of a new movie
badly edited
one thing does not lead to another
only to confusion...
...and fear
broken images stare back
from the fragmented mirror
as I gasp for air
living a hundred lives
dwarfed...
I had my own sky
for a moment
price is rest of my life
but I lived
I was alive if only for a moment
the putrid smell of sadness and wisdom
emanates from what was alive once.

Laughter, bloating numbness,
and pain, rising alternatively.
blow was heavy and swift,
still stinging into my skin
making the sting of successive
blows insignificant
I am no longer myself
what I am afraid of is that
someday I will rise again
and be myself again

I am waiting

2008-11-26T19:02:00.007+05:30

Listening to the silence
In the quiet of the night

I am waiting
For you to wake up
You continue sleep walking

How could it be
That you saw my ties
but missed the pearls
Scattered around me
I know you will gather them once you wake up

Sitting in the dead of night
I embroider these pearls
into the design of my tapestry
while I wait for you to wake up

At times waiting hurts more
Than the needle that pricks my finger
And draws out the blood
More pearls than rubies surround me
As I wait for you to wake up

The Other Side

2008-11-12T10:59:00.002+05:30

I follow him
stepping on his footprints
he is
out there
somewhere
beyond the mist
I call out
not sure
whether its an echo
that comes back to me
or is it that he called my name.

Notes to myself

2008-11-02T08:10:00.002+05:30

I have been thinking about it since the day I read that silly article about Newton’s law of gravity. It questioned our belief about the time when certain things come into existence. Have they been always there, for us to find out? The law of gravity..... Did it come into existence when Newton propounded it or it was there for eons laying in wait to be discovered? How many things are out there, waiting for us to notice them, many of them basic and important as law of gravity? I know it’s completely silly, in a world threatened by recession with market down in dumps; nobody wants to think about it. All my husband talks about now a days is, how bad market is and what difficult times are ahead and that I should be spending less money every evening as he drives me home from work. I grunt occasionally, but my eyes glaze over with my mind obsessed with this silly problem.

Actually, there is another question, not very different. When do people fall in love? When they meet someone who seems special to them or is it that they have always been in love with that person and they just realize it when they meet him? I am not talking about finding someone interesting or suitable. There are people you say hello to and they look at you and smile and you feel you have known them all your life. You share with them what you can’t imagine sharing with anyone, not even your best friend. They casually say something and you feel compelled to follow through. When you are with them, the big void you have always felt in the pit of your stomach suddenly fills up.

I am talking about those people you know are all wrong for you but still you feel that if you didn’t spend rest of your life with them then you have missed the boat. They give you much grief and still you feel that life would lose all meaning without them. Thinking about them is nothing short of meditating and they are capable of teaching you all you need to know. Those who believe in spiritualism say that we know everything and learning is just remembering what we already know. We learn so that we carry it forward in another lifetime.

Is it so with love too? Do we just remember what is already know or is it how scientists have put it? Instinct....

It’s an honest enquiry folks. Do share what you feel or what your experience says.

Useless Words

2008-10-13T00:18:00.003+05:30

I dip my hands in love
and press the words to mould them
into my allies
and ask them to convey what I cannot

He choses to remain illiterate.

I sit hugging my knees
and tell him that I could not sleep
too many dreams keep flying inside my head
depriving me of any peace.
He tells me that he must go now

for its time for him to sleep.
What do I do
when words is all I have
to tell what cannot be told in words
to someone who refuse to listen

Evening by the Lake

2008-09-14T00:27:00.001+05:30

I saw them sitting beside each other, near the lake, looking into each others eyes as people do when they are in love. She, then, slipped her arm inside his arm and squeezed it. He was tall and fair with a mop of black hair and she was short and petite and dusky. Her long hair had an orange tinge of henna. They sat there quite oblivious of the world that bustled around them. They had eyes only for each other. They did not speak much. They did not have to, for love needs no words. She looked up in his eyes and smiled, spreading the radiance on her face. Suddenly, he gave a short laugh and turning almost completely to face her, asked her," If we ever meet again, later in life, would you recognise me? or you would turn your face away pretending not to know me."
Smile left girl's face. Her eyes grew sombre and her face ashen. She quietly withdrew her arm before she turned to face him. Pain could be seen writ large in her eyes, so much so that he could not see it and he closed his eyes. She, then, straightened her back and in a very steady voice replied," No, I won't ever recognise you if we happen to meet again. You are, either a part of my life or you don't exist."
They both were quiet for some time, silently pondering over the words they had just exchanged, their meanings and their repercussions. But the evening was beautiful and they were far too young to let the sorrows and heart ache of tommorow spoile the moment. When I got up from there, they were still sitting there, their arms interwined and her head on his shoulder.

Every Woman

2008-08-17T22:56:00.004+05:30

I am more than I think I am
I am more than I see when I look into the mirror
I am more than I have heard about myself
I am more than I could imagine I would ever be

There was a time when I wanted everything
But nothing made me happy
Dreams started to wither away
chocked by the weeds of regrets

So I sat down very still
beside the river of life
looking in the swirling waters
trying to find what I really wanted

Life is a jigsaw puzzle
whose pieces have fallen away
They can be put back together
I gather them... snatches of songs
forgotten passages of poems
faded photographs and old journals
memories gathering dust
at the back of my mind

I am afraid to take a chance
but I will do it anyway
I have done things
that did not turn out well

But I am getting better and better
Its time to move on
To do different things
differently...

Cacophony of desires no longer
violate the solitude of mind
I almost know what I want
But I must be patient enough
to get it.